MUSICIAN JOKES

Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a
musician & the other one dosen't have any money either.

What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

 What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

Tommy says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."
Mom: "But Tommy, you can't do both."

 

Ten Ten CW Song Titles

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me

7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’

6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win

5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is…

1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

 

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country Musicians & Their Translated Definitions:

DIMINISHED FIFTH - an empty bottle of Jack Daniels

PERFECT FIFTH - a full bottle of Jack Daniels

BIG BAND - when the bar pays enough to bring in two banjo players

PIANISSIMO - "refill this beer bottle"

REPEAT - what they do until they just expel you

BASS - the things you run around in softball

PORTAMENTO - a foreign country you always wanted to see

CONDUCTOR - the man who punches your ticketto Birmingham

ARPEGGIO - "ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose?"

TEMPO - good choice for a used car

A 440 - the highway that runs around Nashville

TRANSPOSITIONS - men who wear dresses

CUT TIME - parole

ORDER OF SHARPS - what a wimp gets at a bar

PASSING TONE - frequently heard near the bakedbeans at barbeques

MIDDLE C - the only fruit drink you can afford whenfood stamps are low

PERFECT PITCH - the smooth coating on a freshlypaved road

TUBA - a compound word: "hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryl Cream"

CADENZA - that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

WHOLE NOTE - what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

CLEF - what you try never to fall off of

BASS CLEF - where you wind up if you do fall off

ALTOS - not to be confused with "Tom's toes","Bubba's toes", or "Do-ri-toes"

MINOR THIRD - your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

MELODIC MINOR - Loretta Lynn's singing son

12-TONE SCALE - the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer with

QUARTER TONE - what most standard pickups can haul

SONATA - what you get with a bad cold or hay fever

CLARINET - name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

CELLO - the proper way to answer the phone

BASSOON - typical response when asked what you hoped to catch

FRENCH HORN - your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 am

CYMBAL - what they use on deer crossing signs so you know what to sight in you pistol with

BOSSA NOVA - the car your forman drives

TIME SIGNATURE - what you need from you boss if you forget to clock in First

INVERSION - grandpa's battle group at Normandy

AEOLIAN MODE - how you like Ma's apple pie

BACH CHORALE - the place behind the barn where you keep the horses

Have more bad jokes? Send them to us!

  An accordion player in his middle 40's was driving home around 10:00 pm from a Bar Mitzva. When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove to make sure itwas OK. On his way, he decided to stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night. He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside. After he had had about 3 drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion! He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window! So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, and glass was all over the place. And, sure enough, there were two more accordions!!!  

So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony.The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece. After one, two, or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

 

Light Bulb Jokes

  Many how does dyslexics take it change to lightbulb a ?  

Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1 What's a lightbulb?
A2 It's in the manual. Didn't you _read_ the manual?
A4 None. That's what interns are for.
A5 If you just turn the other dimmers down a bit, the client won't even notice that the bulb has gone out.
A11 First we have to decide if the bulb is wired base-hot, or thread-hot.
A12 Well, first we need to evaluate how it will affect the artistic integrity of the piece to be played in the dark or in the light....
A13 Three, if the bulb has poor off-axis response.
A15 One, two, one, two...is this thing on?
A20 Two. One to change it, and one to complain about the lack of high-end on the ladder.
A21 None. They'll just fix it in the mix.

How many government employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

549--435 representatives to pass the Illumination Act, 1 president to veto it, 100 senators and 1 presiding vice president to override the President's veto, 3 clerk to notarize the triplicate application for the lightbulb's screwing-in, 1 Department of Lightbulb Installation chairman to approve the screwing in of the lightbulb, and 8 Supreme Court justices to declare the Illumination Act unconstitutional.

(The lightbulb never actually does get screwed in).

 

What's the difference between a trombone player and a dead snake in the road? The snake was on his way to a gig!!

 

A ventriloquist is onstage and during his show a musician stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us musicians being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the vetriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you!" The musician replied
"I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.

Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven:

>"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I made the lame to walk."

>"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"
What did you do on Earth?"

>"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine -- go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

>"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I made sad people happy."

"You can load in through the kitchen."

Four guys die the same day and approach the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter says, "This won't affect your admission up here, fellas, but I need some information for our records."

First guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last year?" Guy says, "Oh, about $80,000."

Saint Peter says, "What did you do for a living?" Guy says, "I was a systems analyst for an engineering firm."
Saint Peter says, "Go right on in."

Second guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make lastyear?" Guy says, "I grossed about $115,000."

Saint Peter says, "What did you do for a living?" Guy says, "I was a creative director at an ad agency."Saint Peter says, "Go right on in."

Third guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last year?" Guy says, "I pulled in about $240,000."

Saint Peter says, "What did you do for a living?" Guy says, "I was an orthidontist."
Saint Peter says, "Go right on in."

Fourth guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last year?"
Guy says, "I made $2500."
Saint Peter says, "What instrument did you play?

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